I'm Fragile, and That's Okay

What I need from life right now is a hug...
I have been a tough bitch for so long that even I am tired. Tired of dealing with all the emergencies, other people's problems, my own inconsitencies, and the fall outs which have just been too many to name. I just want permission from life, (really myself) to just for one day not to be the tough chick, who can handle it all, and keep it all together with a slight snap of the risk. Life taught me early that my exterior should always convey that I can handle it, but all the prodding has made me quite malleable. I am no longer a concrete slab, and shit just does'nt bounce off me the way it used to. So here I sit, asking for myself for permission to actually be a fragile, authentic human being. And to not find fault in being open, exposed, and forthcoming about my emotions... to maybe even shed a tear... Wow... I never thought I would have to ask myself for permission to be open... The way I feel right now reminds me of a poem that I loved when I was in high school. It's entitled We Wear the Mask, by Paul Laurence Dunbar and it spoke to my spirit then, and speaks to my current situation now...

We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.
Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.
We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

I've come to the realization that I too have been wearing a mask. Not really allowing myself to feel anger, bottling all the hazards of life into this enormous shit pile. And just like a trash mound it has now become rancid, festering with bruises, anger and frustrations. The tough girl who could take anything, has finally realized that real strength is more about understanding, acknowledging, and dealing with your weaknesses, as opposed to acting as if they do not exist...

No longer through a torn and bleeding heart, will I smile. I've learned that I can't afford to fall into the strong black woman myth... because at the end of the day there is nothing mythological about feeling like you have the world on your shoulders and no where to shed not an ounce of the grief...

She...